


Lonely

by lovesweethiddles



Series: A long way to come together [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Hand Jobs, M/M, Masturbation, a bit angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-03
Updated: 2015-04-03
Packaged: 2018-03-21 02:39:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3674310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovesweethiddles/pseuds/lovesweethiddles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve comes home after a hard day with the avengers and remembers a night in which he had been as close as he desired to be with Bucky during the war. He gets overwhelmed by his loneliness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lonely

**Author's Note:**

> So I translated another fic of mine and if you find anything that's wrong (gramatic or use of words) I'm sorry.

Steve closed the door of his apartment in the Avengerstower with a sigh. It had been one of those days when he truly wished that there was someone waiting for him. Someone who was worried and who would smile with relieve when he arrived. He couldn’t stand the loneliness and the quiet that always welcomed him anymore. It was not enough when he had a really bad day and was it really too much to want someone with whom he could share his worries and his happiness? He had found someone a long time ago.

James Buchanan Barnes alias Bucky.

They had shared a flat, more because Steve had not been able to afford one by himself than out of pure friendship. He had been the one who had waited at home for Bucky and he could remember being worried all the time because Bucky had given him so much and he hadn’t been able to give him anything in return. Their little world had not been perfect not even the slightest, but it had been his home.

Then the war had started, Bucky had gone to the army and Steve had had to say goodbye to his old friend with a little twitch in his heart because he couldn’t follow him. His physical condition had been his worst enemy and he had tried several times to enlist for the war. But he had failed every fucking time until the serum changed him and he became Captain America. And then he had been finally able to fight side by side with his best friend for their country and more important for freedom. The war had been a very challenging time and loneliness and fear had never left their side but he had focused on their mission and at the end he had lost his best friend.

He still had nightmares in which he was on the train again trying to accomplish the mission with Bucky. He woke up crying every time because he hadn’t been able to rescue him and now he had to watch him fall over and over again, never able to do anything against it. In the end he had failed at the one thing that had been the most important for him, failed the one person he never thought he could and all his superhuman strength had been useless.

But Bucky came back. Without any memories.

The Winter Soldier, a faded painting of what once had been Bucky.

Abused by soviets and there was nothing left that reminded Steve of his old friend. All of his memories gone and with them his past and their friendship but Steve still hoped that Bucky would get his memories back and would return to him. He couldn’t and simply didn’t want to believe that his friends was supposed to be completely gone and Bucky’s actions had proven him otherwise. Maybe Stark had been right when he said that Steve had to be truly desperate to want his best friend to come back to him.

He put his shield aside with a heavy heart and headed for the bathroom. He wanted to wash away all the dirt and the blood of his enemies and if he was honest with himself he just wanted to wash away the whole day.

His reflection didn’t look very confident and there were times when he wondered if the others felt the same but then he remembered that they weren’t as lonely as he was. They all had something to return to and someone who would listen to them and try to understand their pain. Stark had Pepper, Clint Natasha, Thor Jane and even Banner had something. Well, it was just his lab but still better than a lonely and dark apartment. And he, Captain America was alone and sad because of some ghosts from his past. His ghost was very much alive but it still was a part of his past and he had to finally accept that. He stepped into the shower and the hot water released a bit of his tension but he couldn’t shake off his ghosts so easily.

~*~

1944 (Somewhere in Europe)

Winter had come and Steve and the 107th division where somewhere in Europe near Germany. National borders didn’t exist for them and even if they did, none of them could have located their current position exactly. The only thing they knew was that they had to find a place where they could stay the night and didn’t have to fear that the enemy could found them. The division found a place where at least some bigger rocks protected them from the wind but it couldn’t help the cold that slowly made its way into their bones.

“It’s too dangerous to make a fire. We could get our enemies attention and I think we all agree that we don’t have the energy to fight tonight. So I’m sorry guys but it seems like we have to share our sleeping bags in order to keep each other warm and to get some sleep.”

His companions weren’t very happy about it and Cap could totally understand them. Until then it hadn’t hit them really hard and they didn’t have to share their sleeping bags but everything was better than a sleepless night because of the cold. He could feel James’ questioning look and he quickly answered him with a nod. No one else would have dared to ask him if he wanted to share a sleeping bag with them. Maybe it was because he was their captain or because they thought that Bucky had already claimed some rights and would be very pissed if someone would try to get close to him. He totally could imagine that Bucky had done that because he had always been very protective of him. It were moments like this when he was really thankful for Bucky always being close to him and it was not like he needed him not only as his right hand but as a friend as well.

The loneliness made them get close and many of them were frustrated. It’s been weeks since they have seen any sight of women and taking care of it indeed released the tension a bit but it couldn’t keep the loneliness away. They craved physical contact and Steve had heard stories about soldiers that had been very close, suspicious close. He would have loved to say that he didn’t understand them but that would have made a liar out of him and a very bad one as well. Sure he had noticed that his own desire for contact had changed into sexual desire but he would never go out and find someone who would satisfy it even though his thoughts were something completely different but that was nothing new. And it might have surprised some that even Captain America masturbated but he was only a man with needs despite the serum.

“Stevie, can you hand me your sleeping bag? I don’t really want to sleep on the bare ground and we could use it as an underlay.”

“Sure.”

It had always been like that. Although Steve had worried about Bucky a lot he could never reach the levels of Bucky’s worry about him. He had always taken care of him and had worried a lot more about Steve’s health than he himself had ever done.

Despite his superhuman parts he got cold, headed towards their sleeping bag and slipped into it still shivering but it couldn’t help him against the could because it was lacking the warmth. He was more than happy when Bucky finally shoved him away a little bit so that they both could fit into the sleeping bag. In spite of the fact that they were to grown up men Bucky nestled up against Steve and Steve put his arm around his friend to pull him closer. They only did this to share body heat and not because cuddling gave them a little safety, something stable during a time where everything was falling apart. To feel the other one breathing had something calming and neither of them wanted to miss that. This night was supposed to be a very quiet night and when the sleeping bag was finally warming up it didn’t took them long to fall asleep.

Steve woke up again when he could hear a muffled groan somewhere in their camp and suddenly he desperately wanted to be somewhere else. Somewhere where Bucky’s body wasn’t so close to his, where his ass didn’t fit so perfectly together with his hips and somewhere where all this didn’t make his blood go south. The sounds didn’t help him either and he could feel how his dick twitched and slowly began to grow. It made him squirm uncomfortably and he couldn’t imagine something more embarrassing than Bucky waking up and feeling Steve’s dick pressed against his ass.

Of course it had happened to Bucky, before the war back in Brooklyn when they had shared a bed to keep each other warm because their apartment had always been cold during winter. But it had always been Bucky and it never happened to him because Bucky had been the bigger spoon and now they’ve changed the roles and more important there hadn’t been any moans in the background. Steve knew that guys often had morning wood but feeling Bucky’s hard dick against his ass had always make his dick harden and he’d would jumped out of the bed going into the bathroom to jerk off. Afterwards he would’ve climbed back into the bed pretending nothing happened while he felt so guilty for betraying Buck’s trust. At least that had been how he had felt.

And now he laid there and couldn’t stand up because Bucky’s sleep was so much lighter now and Steve trying to sneak out of their sleeping bag would definitely wake him up. Besides Bucky needed every bit of sleep he could get because he had a lot of nightmares and the first nights after getting out of the HYDRA base he didn’t sleep at all so Steve was more than grateful when his best friend began to sleep again and he wouldn’t wake him unless it was really necessary. Especially when his sleep was so quiet without any nightmares but he couldn’t stay there as well not with the sounds in the background and his dick pressed against his ass. He prayed to God that they would finish soon and that Bucky would stay asleep.

“Stevie? What? … Oh please don’t tell me that two of our soldiers just decided that the coldest night so far is the best moment to have “fun” with each other.”

Bucky’s voice still sounded so sleepy and if Steve had had any doubts about him being a very light sleeper they were denied then. He couldn’t imagine what he had done to deserve that.

“Well, it sounds like it. I’m sorry they woke you up. You need every bit of sleep you can get and it seemed like you weren’t having any nightmares.”

The ”and I’m grateful for that because I worry about you” stayed unspoken but Steve knew that he would understand it just fine. That’s been one of the very useful things of their friendship as well as the fact that they always had each other’s back. He knew that Bucky would look after him so he could feel a little bit more save while being at the front.

“I mean I have nothing against them having fun – you learn how to be tolerant about this when you work at the docks – but at least they could be quiet like the rest of us when we jerk off. We aren’t as lucky as they are, getting a bit contact while we are here and we only have ourselves to take care of it. Well, it works but you still feel lonely you know.”

Steve tried to clear his throat because Bucky talking about this topic wasn’t helping him to calm down. Steve always was a bit superstitious when his best friend talked like that because until then he’d always been drunk while talking about it but now he wasn’t. Something had changed between them and Steve couldn’t explain why and what and maybe it’s just the war and everything Bucky’s been through but it didn’t feel like that.

“I don’t mind but as you said they could be quiet and I know that you know it. But it’s more difficult now, I mean I’m Captain America and everyone expects me to be the perfect patriotic role model and I still think it’s weird to jerk off while there is someone sleeping next to you.”

“I always lay next to you and you never minded Stevie.”

“Yeah, but that’s just you. I know you my whole life and we lived in each other’s pocket for so long and I didn’t have a choice because you wouldn’t let me get out of your sight. It’s just weird and you can call me prude as much as you want it’s not going to change the fact that it’s difficult for me. And I feel not so lonely. I mean, I still have my best friend by my side and I’ve never been with a woman. There was no girl in Brooklyn who showed any interest on the little scrawny boy I’ve been so there is not much I could miss.”

They were silent for a moment and both were in thoughts and Steve could finally feel his dick soften again and he was happy that apparently Bucky hadn’t noticed but if he was honest with himself a small part of him had wished that he would noticed it and maybe act on it.

“Steve, is there a specific reason why you’re lying as far away from me as possible? Come on, I’m freezing.”

And Bucky nestled up against Steve and they could hear a loud moan and Steve swore. Bucky’s ass was lined up perfectly against his crotch and his dick hardened again. He was silently cursing himself for not taking care of this earlier and he was so needy that he made a mental note to jerk off more regularly so that wouldn’t happen again.

“Oh Stevie, you’re sure you haven’t been lonely for a bit too long. That’s not what I expected from Captain America. You want to take care of that?”

“It’s going to go away and I don’t really want to leave our sleeping bag and I can’t and don’t want to ask you to leave just because I didn’t the time to jerk off before.”

Steve could feel himself blush and he was more than happy that Bucky couldn’t see that because his best friend could be such a tease. He let out a long breath trying to ignore his hard-on, he desperately tried to stay still and to not move against Bucky’s ass for the friction he craved but it was really difficult to concentrate on something else.

“You just had to look for someone who can keep a secret and who is already close to you. And of course you should have to keep quiet as well but that shouldn’t be the problem, wouldn’t it?”

Steve could only nod because he didn’t trusted his voice and the only one who was close enough to him was Bucky and there was no way that he just suggested that. He couldn’t mean it and even if he meant it Steve couldn’t accept it. That would be too good; way too good and he couldn’t risk losing himself in the sensation. Buck would hate him and he couldn’t imagine the war without his best friend by his side even though he would still have the rest of the Howling Commandos.

“Steve, come on. I’m offering it and I’m totally ok with it. Don’t be such a prude. It’s not a bad thing to do and as you already said I won’t get out of the sleeping bag just so you can jerk off. It’s so freezing cold my toes would fall off and I’m not gonna risk that not even for you. Relax it’s gonna be good and after all it’s just me.”

Steve tried really hard to relax but as soon as he could feel Bucky moving around to get a better angle he couldn’t help himself but stiffen. The only thing that avoided Steve dying of embarrassment was the fact that it was too dark to see anything but he could feel Bucky’s eyes on him.

“Stevie, relax. It’s just me.”

“I know, Buck, I know but I can’t help myself.”

Bucky sighed and pulled him close. Steve could smell the dirt, weapon oil, cold and underneath that the smell that was just Bucky and times before the war. It was home. And it helped him relax when he suddenly felt Bucky’s hands at his hips. His breath quickened and his dick hardened even more with the anticipation and he wanted Bucky’s touch only a little bit too much. Maybe it was just his imagination but he thought that his hands trembled when they reached for the belt of his uniform and it took Buck just a second too long to open the belt for being hundred percent sure about that. But Steve couldn’t imagine that Bucky’d never done this before because he’d never been prude about anything and as he had said he had worked at the docks. It had to be the cold then. There was no way he was as nervous as he was and then Bucky’s hand was under his waistband and quickly around his dick.

He couldn’t keep his breath even and he was embarrassed by how fast the pleasure was building but Bucky definitely knew what he was doing; pulling long and slow strokes with just the right amount of pressure and a twist on the head. He could already feel his orgasm building and maybe it was the sensation of Bucky’s hand or that Bucky did it willingly but that thought send a wave of pleasure into his groin and his dick actually twitched and he could feel another spirt of precome leaking.

When Bucky reached down to carefully fondle his balls he had to bite down on his lip and hide his face on Bucky’s shoulder to stifle the moan that was building in his throat. He realized how needy he’d truly been and how much his body wanted to come when Bucky reached behind his balls and let his finger ghost over that delicate piece of his body and Steve had to cut down another moan. But he couldn’t let himself go and get overwhelmed by pleasure; Bucky’s hand was just the tiniest bit too slow to push him over the edge teasing him but denying the release.

“Buck, please…I need to…”

He tried to keep his voice loud enough for Bucky to hear and to keep himself from moaning his best friend’s name but it came out breathless and he sounded so needy even in his own ears. But Bucky had heard him speeding up his pace. When Steve could feel his balls drawing up and the pleasure being nearly too much he had to bite down so hard on his bottom lip he could taste blood to keep himself from moaning Buck’s name. He was coming hard, hot spirts of come, finally finding release and his body went limp. Bucky was stroking him through the aftershocks of his orgasm and Steve felt like he’d never came so hard. It took him a while to come down and to realize that Buck’s hand had left his body and that Bucky was turning around so that Steve was facing his back again. And he just felt like somebody had hit him in the gut and he was more than a little hurt.

“Here, you should clean yourself.”

Bucky handed him a tissue and Steve needed a moment to realize that his voice was lower than usual; adding that with the fact that he avoided touching him with any parts of his body right then could lead Steve to only one conclusion:

Bucky was aroused.

Maybe it had been the moans, helping Steve finding release or he had been lonely for a bit too long as well but Bucky never seemed to have a problem with jerking off while the others were sleeping next to him and Steve wouldn’t mind standing up and giving Bucky a few minutes for himself. Bucky should know that and it would only take one hint from him to make Steve leave, so why didn’t he say anything?

“Buck, you know I could just stand up if you want some time to be alone. I really don’t mind or if you let me I could return the … ehm … favor to you, I mean just if you want me to. If you don’t please just forget what I just said that would be great. It’s really no problem and yeah … ehm … you were … eh … lonely as well, so I’m offering you some contact and you always took care of me and I could never give you anything in return. Well, I mean you know…”

Steve fell silent. He could feel Bucky tensing and he was sure that he messed things up and that Bucky would hate him now; he had to hate him. He shouldn’t have said anything and should have pretended that he didn’t notice anything. That would’ve been so much easier and he felt like crying because he ruined the only good thing he had had for a very long time. His breath was becoming faster and if he still would have been his old, little, ill self then he already would’ve had an asthma attack but now he was only getting more nervous with any second that was passing by.

“Okay, I trust you, Stevie but I dare you ever tell someone that would ruin my reputation forever. I ain’t no fairy, I’m just a little lonely.”

Steve was a bit confused since he’d never have assumed Bucky for being a fairy: He always had had so much luck with the girls and everyone knew he was a lady’s man. He had been seen with some really pretty dames and there had been some days when he even came home with them and Steve had had to sleep on the couch. There was no hint of it. And Steve was nervous again but for a completely different reason, even though it couldn’t be such a difficult task to do. He knew how it worked but doing it for Bucky was something else; he wanted to make it great, to be good for him. But his feelings weren’t helpful and his fingers were trembling when he reached for Bucky’s belt and it took him a bit to actually open it. There was this little voice in his head that told him that this was the one time he would get the chance to be so close to him and that it wasn’t the right time to be nervous. It also told him that he shouldn’t hesitate to make a move because otherwise he wouldn’t do anything and Bucky was still so tense that he feared only having to make one wrong move and he would jump out of his skin and leave him alone.

He shoved his hand under the waistband with a purposefulness he didn’t really feel and carefully wrapped his fingers around Bucky’s dick. Steve could feel Bucky tensing for a moment before he relaxed with a shaky exhale. His dick hard and heavy in his hand and of course Steve should’ve known better but he was still surprised by how soft the skin was. He gave it a slow and experimental stroke and was pretty impressed by Bucky’s length. Trying to memorize every vein, the shape and simply how it felt to Buck in his arms while stroking him, he could only think of how that was better than anything he had ever dreamed of even though it was war and they didn’t have privacy. He gave the head a little twist smearing precome over the whole length and then it was easier for his hand to stroke and Steve strengthened his grip and he could feel how much it cost his best friend to keep quiet. And deep down in his heart he was ridiculously proud to watch his friend fighting so hard to keep in control and to know that he had been the one who got him there. It was ridiculous because he knew it wasn’t because he actually meant more to Bucky and that it was only because they were lonely and there were no women around. His heart clenched at this thought so instead of overthinking the situation he focused on Bucky’s dick and let go of it to fondle his balls which had been disregarded until then.

“Stevie, please I need to come. Please hurry the fuck up… please.”

Steve gripped his dick again and continued stroking but this time it didn’t took long until he could feel Bucky’s whole body tensing and then going limp when he found his release, spirts of come covering his stomach and Steve’s hand. Steve reached for the already ruined tissue to clean his hands and carefully cleaned Bucky’s stomach and his oversensitive dick. Afterwards he pulled Bucky close again and rested his head on his shoulder not sure what else to do.

“If you’re ever lonely during this war again, please tell me. I would like to take care of you, to give you something back. You don’t need to feel lonely; I hope you know that.”

“Of course and Stevie? If you’re craving touch and intimidation you can always come to me.”

Steve slowly nodded, satisfied and sleepy so he closed his eyes and fell asleep so fast he didn’t notice how broken Bucky’s voice sounded and that his best friend was crying.

~*~

Present:

The memory overwhelmed him and when Steve finally found release, he came so hard and fast it nearly hurt. His legs couldn’t support his weight anymore and he slowly sank onto the ground of his shower.

He was crying while the hot water fell down soothing his skin as if it wanted to comfort him. Steve Rogers alias Captain America cried over everything he had lost: Peggy, his best friend, his old life and overall he cried because he was so unbearable lonely. That more than everything. And even if some people couldn’t imagine it he was just a man who’s been through some terrifying stuff and wanted someone by his side to wash all the grief and pain off his heart.

There he was, sitting on the ground of the shower, head in his hands and cried his eyes out. In this moment he was only his true self and not the hero:

Steve Rogers, the little boy from Brooklyn.


End file.
